Wednesday, 14 January 2009

• Baked full of Delicious

  So I think that's been a long enough Christmas vacation, wouldn't you say? Not that one can ever have too much vacation, of course.
  
  So today I thought I'd talk a little bit about the origin of the bagel. It's a bit of a doughy subject to get through, but hopefully we'll be able to make a real hole in the material. Now, when discussing the bagel most people associate them with Jews, New York, or both. Of course, while that may appear to be the origin to many people, and in fact there's some truth to that, it wasn't quite the Big Bang of Bagels. No, that began long ago.
  
  
  Just to make sure we're all clear on the subject matter
  
  Jewish people, naturally, come from a great many places, and for a variety of reasons New York seems to have been a popular place to congregate, post diaspora. Maybe it was the friendly neighbours, or the plentitude of yellow cabs, I don't know. What is clear is that they came from somewhere. Naturally. Now, a large number of Jewish immigrants to New York (and those responsible for the bagel) came from central Europe, in what we today would call Germany, and spoke Yiddish.
  
  However, it's important not to let modern false-friends of historical fact act as fallacies. Germany as a geographic location has existed since last the continents went a-walkin' but the entity we know as Germany is a fairly recent one. Everybody and his brother will tell you modern Germany was united in 1853 by the second cousin of Napoleon II, Otto von Bismarck. (thus, of course, it was the familial rivalry here that instigated the Franco-Prussian war that resulted in a defeated France selling its North American possessions to the United States). Before then, the geographical area we know now as Germany, as well as the areas we don't, were a loose amalgamation of states. Prussia, for instance, one of the main contributors to German amalgamation, extended further east than German borders along the baltic coast, and part of the Austro-Hungarian empire also joined the new confederation in the south.
  
  These states were, at times, called the Holy Roman Empire, known for being neither Holy, Roman, nor an Empire. Of course, the Holy Roman Empire was split asunder during the Napoleonic Wars, when it was shattered by Allied bombs from the first instance of blimp-warfare (collateral damage, of course. The allies were fighting Napoleon, after all). But before the Holy Roman Empire was formed by the strength of Charlemagne's fighting arm (he threw a mean right hook), it existed merely as the territory of a large number of German tribes. However, this can be completely misleading. For instance, those Germanic people termed as such were often completely foreign.
  
  During the First and Second World Wars, for instance, the Allies enjoyed calling Germans 'Huns' after a tribe they mistakenly associate with the area (actually, the story there is quite amusing, and a double-causation coincidence. While some were calling the Germans Huns because of the old 'Germanic' tribe, others were not. The German word for apple-pie is pfün, which, when pronounced with an English accent, sounds rather like Hun. Now, as apple pie is, of course, a symbol of America, certain Yanks took to calling Germans Huns as a sarcastic example of everything they missed out on by attacking the Lusitania). Huns, of course, were an Asiatic tribe that moved into roughly the area of modern Germany while following their cattle herds.
  
  
  He may look like a German at first, but don't be fooled by his war-like nature
  
  Anyway. It's important not to allow ourselves to be sidetracked. So bagels were developed by Jews living in the general geographic region of modern day Germany, as well as areas once poorly defined as Germanic, but no longer as such. In addition, they spent much time in western European countries like France and England, before being driven out by an initiative developed by England's Edward II. The Jews were notorious punsters, and in the famously Jewish tradition of comedy, had been making fun of the size of the Crown Jewels.
  
  
  See how tiny her crown is?
  
  So, now the Jews of Europe were mostly compacted into a limited geographic location. There imbibed, the Jews then cast about for a profession they could really latch their teeth into. Now, I don't need to tell you that a large number became involved in money-lending and jewelry. It's this second group we're interested in - they're the ones who invented our favourite sandwich base. Listen closely now. Because these Jews were professional goldsmiths, silversmiths,and otherwise workers of fine metal, they spent all day looking at jewelry. Earrings, bracelets, and rings were their business. So, after a long hard day at work, the last thing a Jewish person wanted to come home to see was more jewelry, especially if made of precious materials. Unfortunately, the pan-humanic tradition of wedding rings meant that Jews were embracing bachelorhood with worrying speed. So, a solution had to be crafted. Something cunningly helpful. Something that would represent the endlessness of love and the unity of marriage, without being made of a precious metal. Utility was also a goal, of course. The Jews are a most sensible people. And thus, the bagel was born. Round and unending like the finest kind of love, completely bereft of valuable metals, and delicious with cream cheese.
  
  
  Mmmm....
  
  It didn't take long for bagels to spread to the New World, and then to the the rest of the planet. To this day, people from every culture gobble bagels down in dozens. In fact, studies show bagels are poised to overtake matzo as the premier Jewish bread invention within the decade. And every time a goy gobbles down a bagel with his morning coffee, he has no idea he's eating the eternally delicious symbol of Jewish love.
  
  Naturally, the Germans would go on to try and top the Jewish invention in a fit of jealousy in their own sticky, sugary way, but the doughnut never managed to completely phase out the bagel, despite the considerable ad campaigns run by the German government after the First World War.
  

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