March 21, 2011

  • Inside My Mind

     I was walking alone in the woods. And I thought… what if a cougar attacks me! What would I do? Do I see any solid sticks around? What about my pocket knife. Would that be a suitable weapon?

    What if, when I stabbed it, the blade snapped closed over my fingers!

    Maybe I can climb a tree. Can cats climb trees? Crap, yes! I’m screwed, then.

    Oh, well. Maybe there are no cougars around!

    Walking on, walking on, suddenly I hear a noise!

    Freeze! Is it behind me right now?! Oh, god! Turn around, slowly… slowly… slowly… and look!

    Nope. Nothing there. Keep walking.

    Sit on a bench on the edge of the woods. Wonder if putting my sun glasses on the back of my head will work like masks and tigers in India, and convince cougars I’m looking at it, so it thinks it can’t sneak up on me, so it won’t pounce.

    Unless it doesn’t think my sunglasses look like eyes! Crap, they’re sliding down the back of my head! Why don’t I have a nose back there, anyway?

    Oh well.

    Sigh, look out over the vista, and then carve my name into the bench. Now I have a legacy in Smallville!

    Walk on.

    Wonder how long the carving will last. Maybe I should have made it bigger. How did that guy in that movie carve his name into the wood of that ship?  Maybe he had a bigger knife.

    I need a bigger knife.

    I wonder what the laws are on carrying knives? How big is illegal? I bet a big knife would help me fight a cougar!

    God, is THAT a cougar, now?! No, just a squirrel.

    Walk on.

Comments (16)

  • very james joyce-ian =)

  • I’m inspired.

  • Carry a Bowie knife.  Cougars are repelled by the awesomeness.

  • I often mistake squirrels for cougars

  • I don’t carry pocket knives anymore and I have many due to inheritance.  The airport security people don’t like knives anymore. I used to worry about wild animals tracking me, but I never saw one. I heat that you have to raise your hands high and yell. lol  I would yell anyway.  We have had some cougar attacks in California. One was found sleeping on a suburban home in So. California. One gal was jogging on a trail and a mother cougar felt her cubs were in danger and ran down the hill and killed the jogger. Later, the killed the cougar and took her cubs to the zoo. Somehow, the mother cougar seemed justified. I think they should have let her live. Then one cougar attacked a gal on a bike. He put his claws into her face and ripped most of it off. She was on the TV program called ‘The Hour of Power.’ She told about what happened and they had her face pretty well repaired, but not perfect.

    You fear here was in jest I am sure, but cougars have a sense of humor as well–they play with their food while it is alive.

    blessings

    frank

  • From the diaries of paranoia

  • Forget the knife. Go with the gun.

  • I’d never walk alone in the woods. I agree with the person who said to go with the gun lol. 

  • good read i quite enjoyed that =)

  • Grateful right now that I do not live in that head of yours.

  • Haha…I like your thinking-aloud style.

    A pocket-knife may be dinky, but it’s probably your best bet if you get chased down.  I’d carry a multi-tool just because it’s so handy.  For example, that hiker that got his arm caught under a rock wouldn’t have been able to saw off his own arm and escape without a pocket knife!

  • Whew, close one. It almost could have been a cougar. Then you would have been screwed.

  • I have had these same thoughts when walking through the woods.
    @godfatherofgreenbay - That’s better than mistaking cougars for squirrels!

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